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What is true love? Fixing yourself…

October 30, 2013

Strength of a marriage

Strength of a marriage

I believe if you found this, this your sign, you are meant to read this. My hope is that this helps someone in some way.

It has been on my heart to share my journey thus far.  It has been an interesting two years, to say the least.  I discovered the love and existence of God 2 years ago and have learned many things and have had to repeat many lessons growing as a new-born Christian.  As a human we are constantly trying to satisfy oneself and fix internal strife. (Our flesh is in inherently selfish and self-centered.) Its time for us to live lives where we aren’t the only people in it. This is something brand new to me so I am not saying I know it all or much to begin with. They say if everyone walked in love the churches would be so full no one would have anywhere to sit.  God’s formula for helping heal one self is to reach out and help someone else and you will sow a seed for God to bring you harvest for your life.

2 Timothy 3:2-5
But understand this, that in the last days will come (set in) perilous times of great stress and trouble [hard to deal with and hard to bear]. For people will be lovers of self and [utterly] self-centered, lovers of money and aroused by an inordinate [greedy] desire for wealth, proud and arrogant and contemptuous boasters. They will be abusive (blasphemous, scoffing), disobedient to parents, ungrateful, unholy and profane. [They will be] without natural [human] affection (callous and inhuman), relentless (admitting no truce or appeasement); [they will be] slanderers (false accusers, trouble-makers), intemperate and loose in morals and conduct, uncontrolled and fierce, haters of good. [They will be] treacherous [betrayers], rash, [and] inflated with self-conceit. [They will be] lovers of sensual pleasures and vain amusements more than and rather than lovers of God. For [although] they hold a form of piety (true religion) they deny and reject and are strangers to the power of it.

So, two years ago I lost my job and was doing some major soul-searching and trying to find a purpose and what I wanted to do with my life.  Let’s just say it is very hard on your Ego when you have to leave a job and your everyday normalcy changes.  I started asking questions. “Am I doing what I should be for a career?” “Am I happy with where my life has taken me?” “Am I good enough to be doing what my job is?” “Will my future hold any success?”  “Did I mess up and take the wrong turn somewhere in life?” I was sitting at home by myself everyday looking for jobs online, stuck in my own stinky thoughts, questioning my life and where it was going, and dreaming up fantasies of lots of money and then bringing myself down with negative thoughts. 

My future mother-in-law was a Mary Kay consultant and constantly was pestering me to go to one of their makeover events.  I always made up excuses of why I couldn’t go. Our relationship at the time was pretty on-the-rocks.  She was always a sweet woman, but we had some things happen with my fiance’s business and family issues that just brought my views of her into a negative one.  So she would give me free products and like a total brat, I would give them to other people or never even try them.  I worked in the beauty industry since I was 14, so “I knew better, and her stuff was cheap and crap!” (Pissssssssshh!!! What an arrogant, closed-minded beeeyotch I was!) I look back at those times now and want to slap myself! Guess what?! She never gave up and always asked me to come. So, one night I could no longer make up anymore excuses. I guess I must have used them all up.  Even when I was driving to this event I was trying to think of any reason not to go.

 

OKay.  So I’m there and I do the makeover part.  Out comes the National for the area, Jamie.  Everyone is jumping up and down and clapping and cheering.  I was sitting there like, “what the heck is going on?” I was feeling positive energy and sisterhood it hung around me like a wet blanket. (I was just oozing negativity.)  She talked about her life.  Where she came from how she went from poverty to success multiple times in her life, and then how much money she was making.  I said sign me up!  Of course, I was jobless living on unemployment of less than $300 dollars every 2 weeks.  Anything was better than where I was. So, I took my $100 and signed up.  Well, little did I know was the rest of the weekend was fall advance, a huge event for training.  So the foundation of Mary Kay is God first, family second, and career third.  Sounds good right? The answer is yes… Jamie is a very strong believer and just a downright fighter and does not mince words.  She kept talking about God  the first day, and me as non-believer just sat and listened with intrigue. “Wasn’t I here for Mary Kay training?”  I was very cynical, but so broken and lost on the inside. I kept looking for a career and money to fix my happiness. I thought having tons of money was going to fix all the hurts and problems I had in my life. 

So, later that night for the first time in my whole life. I prayed a real prayer of desperation to God.  I think it was something a long the lines of, “God, if you’re out there and can hear me… I need you, I need a sign, I need help!”  I cried while I prayed and thought what a waste my life had become.  I was always and extremely hard worker and it had gotten me no where.  The next day at Fall Advance, Jamie was up on the stage again she was talking about the hardships of looking for jobs and I wish I could tell you exactly what it was that she said, but it’s not important and I can’t remember. (LOL) She said word for word one the things I had contemplated doing and it wasn’t common, but right then it’s when I knew with my whole being that God had heard me and this was his proof to me.  Seriously, it was the smallest thing, but I instantly felt my whole body release and I cried and cried and cried. (For all who know me, I am not a crier.) I mean, instantly I felt the weight of the world lift off my shoulders and I knew I didn’t have to rely on myself to figure it out anymore that I could trust God to lead me to it and through it.  Finally!  I had hope again.  Anything was possible for God through me. What a concept!?

I stuck it out for a while with Mary Kay and learned so much from those wonderful woman about confidence and God.  I still am a consultant, but decided to not actively pursue it while I am pushing to do hair and love on all my clients.  I just feel like that is what I am being led to do right now.  I grew up in a Catholic family and we went to church every sunday and also went to CCD. Maybe I was just too young then, but I never understood God. He was just an idea, never thought to rely on him for what I needed.  It seemed all the things I had been taught were just that Jesus died and all the other things in the bible happened long ago it was “important’ and repent for fighting with my sister or any of the other bad things I had done. LOL. My mom would tell me to pray before bed I would say “our father” like it was a security blanket to me, to protect me from going to hell just in case there was one. 

I feel that I was just in the right place at the exact right time and open to let God in my heart.  Otherwise, close-minded Melissa would have just thought “yeah, yeah, God and such, I get it!”, then move on. There are so many lessons I have yet to learn, but now I fight for are having joy everyday with what I am doing no matter what it is.  Why would God want to give me better things in life if I can’t appreciate and thank him for what I currently have? Forgiving other people (even if I know I’m right -hehe), not being judgemental, and learning to love people who don’t love me.  The topic of giving is also one that I feel the Holy spirit keeps bringing up inside me.  The definition of callous is feeling indifference to the suffering of others.  I know that I am guilty of that.  Thinking oh yeah, that is awful for the situation they’re in, who is going to step up and help them?

**(Strong side note)My relationship with my mother-in-law has become a strong one. She has helped me reach up and out to God and others. I misunderstood her love and forgiveness for others as weakness and stupidity. You know the expression when you point a finger and someone else, three are pointing back at you? (Uh um…. HELLO Melissa! Knock, knock! I see three in your face.) I have such a wonderful bond with her and the love I feel for her is also one I feel for my own mother and step-mom. God really knows how to put the right people where they need to be.

You have to start living your life to make other people happy.  Starting at home! (Oh man!)  Being a newlywed I am desperately fighting to have a strong Godly marriage that will last forever.  All I want to do is speak good into our marriage and not say negative things to or about my husband. 

Joyce Meyer asked this:

“Are  we willing to even ask God to teach us how to love the way he loves, because if we love the way God loves, that means we are going to love when there is nothing in it for us?”

 

What I get from this experience in hindsight is to find true love is to love God with all your heart act like Jesus and love on other people. The internal healing comes when you learn to do these things.

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